Sometimes, there’s this thing I do where I’m upset or unhappy about something, only I’m pretty sure there’s nothing I can really do about it that I’m not already doing, but I’m still upset and unhappy. When that happens, I want…something. Often, I don’t even know what. I want to talk about it, I want sympathy, but I also want whatever it is to just go away and be fixed.
My mother and my fiancé unfortunately bear the brunt of this most of the time. My mom gets fed up with me after awhile and usually just straight-up asks me what it is that I want. A lot of the time, I really don’t have an answer for her. All I really know is that I don’t want advice.
You know that type of advice that is, essentially, some variation on, “Just do it” (to borrow from Nike)? Just stop worrying, or just meet people, or just do [whatever]. Sounds easy, doesn’t it?
I hate getting that advice almost as often as I am tempted to give it. There really does come a point with some problems where that’s really and truly the only thing you can do. It doesn’t make it any less pleasant to hear it, but that never seems to stop people who want to give it.
I’ve been trying really, really hard, at least recently, to recognize when I’m getting stuck in a sort of feedback loop of worrying and negativity and just general unhappiness. It’s annoying, and it’s unproductive. It never helps, and it quickly stops making me feel better. It’s helped me that I’ve figured out I sometimes get stuck in that cycle when I feel like there’s something I should be doing that I’m not, and haven’t figured it out yet. It helps to try to focus on what I can do that would make it better, rather than focusing on how crappy it is.
But, of course, that does me no good when all I can do is wait. Or when all I can do is nothing. I haven’t figured out how to make myself stop worrying over a problem when that’s the case. I usually end up just trying to distract myself, but feeling really mopey and upset until circumstances change and I can stop worrying.
The height of irony, though, is when I find myself wanting to ask that very same question of someone else. Or when I want to tell them to just [whatever]. Or when I feel the need to remind them that if they’d just take my advice, probably things would get better. In many ways, even though it’s hard…I actually think that my frustrated desire to tell people to just do [whatever] is actually a better way of approaching problems than my feedback loop of worrying and complaining. I just kind of wish it was easier to give myself the advice I want to give other people. I’d be so much less of a complainer.
Hehe I totally hear this post. I’m always surprised when I find people who DON’T do this loop of stress and frustration, and maybe I get a bit jealous too.
But finding those people also helped me realize that I want to move away from this, because as you said, it helps nothing and no one. So I have over the past couple years gotten a LOT better about not letting myself fall into that loop. I still do it sometimes, but not nearly as often or nearly as deeply. And I can still improve further.